How To Solve The Debt Crisis Using Marijuana
Old Hippie | Jul 28, 2011 | Comments 6
Our country’s leaders are now engaged in an increasingly desperate and bitterly contested attempt to solve the debt crisis before the deadline of August 2 rolls around. So, using “rolls around” as a starting point, I came up with an imaginary scenario involving some of these leaders, based on their personal histories, actual statements, and just some stuff I’ve made up. Remember…this is only a parody…but just imagine…
Crisis Averted
Location: The Oval Office at The White House. It’s nighttime, the shades have been drawn, and the overhead lights are out. A Marine with poker-straight posture and a hint of a smirk on his face guards the door…from the outside. Some members of Congress mill around inside. None want to be the first to sit down.
John Boehner: “I don’t see what’s the point of this meeting. Even the President has already said he’s tired of these meetings where neither side budges.”
Nancy Pelosi: “The President has told me he has a last-ditch plan to get us to work together.”
James Clyburn (with a knowing smile): “Sometimes the President must order things to get done.“
The door opens and Barack Obama, the President of the United States, walks in. He is not walking forcefully, but more like…sauntering. His eyes are red, as if he’s been crying, but he doesn’t appear to be sad. An aide follows him, pushing a cart on which a roundish, though pyramid-shaped, oddly unfamiliar implement sits. The aide plugs in a power cord, hands the President a container, then leaves.
President Obama: “You guys wanted a Tea Party? I’ll show you a goddamn tea party!”
Eric Cantor: “Wait, what?”
Barack Obama: “I learned about two important forces of nature when I was growing up in Hawaii — volcanoes and marijuana. Tonight, you will see what they can do together.”
The President pours something out of the container into the Volcano vaporizer, attaches a bag to the top, presses a button, and watches as the bag inflates.
Nancy Pelosi: “Barack, is that…really…”
Barack Obama: “Nancy, you represent San Francisco in Congress, FFS. WTF do you think it is?”
John Boehner: “Mr. President, I realize you’ve been under a lot of stress lately, but do you really think this is a good idea?”
Barack Obama: “John, we’re in Washington, DC, which happens to have legal medical marijuana. And I’m the President of the United States, and I’m sick of the way things have been going lately. And this vaporizer fills up these bags with vapor, not smoke, so you could even say, ‘I’ve never smoked marijuana in the Oval Office” and still pass a polygraph test.”
Harry Reid: “Just as long as we don’t, you know, drive off a cliff.“
4 And 20 Minutes Later…
Nancy Pelosi looks at the ceiling intently and mutters to nobody in particular, “We have to save life on this planet, man.“
Barack Obama (cracking up): “Your name sounds like ‘boner’, dude.”
John Boehner: “You talking to me…Obummer?” (loses it, and the two slap palms)
Barack Obama: “Seriously. We’ve screwed around long enough on this shit. We’ve both gotten everyone to listen to our sides. So WTF, let’s get it done. This is important stuff here, and Michelle is getting on my ass because it’s not done yet. You really want to spend the whole weekend and Monday night dealing with this?”
John Boehner (pulling out a big chart): “OK, so if you cut some here and here, and we’ll raise taxes on people and companies who can afford it, then everyone’s happy?”
Harry Reid: “I’m happy. Right now. Very happy.”
Eric Cantor: “Wait, what?”
Al Franken, who has been sitting in a corner by himself, scrawls on a piece of paper for a minute, then holds up a sign saying “Welcome Ents” and makes a lopsided smile.
James Clyburn: “That’s the dankest stuff I’ve ever seen…in the Oval Office.”
Afterword
Without even getting political about this debt crisis, it’s very simple. The government has to stop spending more money than it takes in. That’s not rocket science…it’s just what every person, household, and business has to do to survive long-term.
Even an old stoned-out hippie knows that much.
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Still laughin!~
OK, let me say this once again. Over taxing and regulating cannabis into the hands of the already wealthy corporations is not how we solve our debt issues.
THE ONLY WAY TO SOLVE OUR DEBT AND ECONOMIC PROBLEMS. We must stop spending and printing money we do not have. THIS IS THE ONLY SOLUTION!
Why should we beg to have the natural plant given to us by our creator over taxed in order solve our debt issue? Why would we do this? Government is is out of control and spend way beyond there means they continue to print money and devalue our dollar.
This is a very bad idea and the cannabis community had best wake up to what is going here!
Sorry, Keary, but you’re barking up the wrong tree. Our problem is as much insufficient taxation of those best able to afford it as it’s about spending. And as long as it’s done reasonably (reasonably–as in not increasing expense to the point that it still subsidizes the black market) taxation of cannabis isn’t a bad idea. This a valid argument for legalization for those who have no particularly interest in it.
Very well done. We have to save life on this planet, man.
Keary the taxes will help a little but the huge economic boost marijuana offers is at least 3-pronged: First the incredible savings in law enforcement by no longer imprisoning people and ending this war on drugs. Second is the raw revenue itself from the legal sales and taxes. Third is the agricultural empire that is industrial hemp (food, fuel, fiber). We’re looking at not only saving 2 trillion, we’re looking at injecting this country with agricultural production.